Family as an economic force to reckon with

‘When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished as how much the old man had learnt in seven years.’ - Mark Twain

It was a treat to listen to Shri Swaminathan Gurumurthy, the other day, on the Republic TV Channel speaking about as I see ‘A global view of economy in general and a very detailed look at our Indian economy.’ Of course his discourse was nothing short of spectacular and would take the wind out of most listeners- at least I was amazed at the details and his interpretations.

The family is the fortress

One thing just hit me like a hammer on the head out of several important things he said was- was the direct link between the Indian culture at the center of which is our family system to a nation’s economy. So simple yet so profound.



He explains and says that more than half the population of America is dole-dependent today. Which means that those who work pay for those who don’t work in equal numbers! Similar situation exists in many major nations of Europe. They have taken too much upon themselves to look after the elderly population too. How long will this last as pension bills keep rising, you cannot keep printing dollars to evade the problem. Their family system is in jeopardy, single parents are struggling to survive. There is no family to support the elders. In their exuberance to have gender equality and ‘individual first’ syndrome homes have shattered.

Looks to be a harsh statement in today’s liberal thinking world but yet this is the reality.

The Indian value system is what is required for sanity and survival

India is fast aping the west and our divorce rates are skyrocketing too. Joint family is disappearing fast in this materialistic- too much freedom-loving generation(s).

Yet, yet to a very large extent our family system still survives the onslaught of this ‘my freedom matters most’ five decades old Psyche emanating from the west.

I had written a book commissioned by Bloomsbury ‘A wonderful wife’ almost a decade ago. A few pertinent points relate to this topic. I describe and amplify a few things in this book.

First, love is the most often-used word and most of us use it without even understanding its meaning. Without being poetic, romantic, philosophical the dictionary meaning of the word love is fondness, attachment, yearning, adulation, warmth, caring and even devotion.

Oh! It is pretty serious. In such a context, the pseudo-modern expression of ‘I love you’ generating an instant response of ‘I love you too’ appears to be weird if not crass or frivolous.

Poets, priests, Sufis and saints have written about this human emotion more than any other, for centuries. They did this because it was the raison d’être: reason for our very existence.

A husband and wife value each other because they need each other. They value each other because both are a part of an intrinsic system. The comfort is due to a feeling of permanence, which was ineffaceable and innate. In their minds it is an unbreakable bond which makes them one.

That comfort alone lets them take each other for granted- yes for granted. In a crisis each expects the other to say ‘Main hoon na’. Which translates into ‘I am there for you’. Since humans don’t trust humans, they brought God into it. God and religion make it more solemn, ceremonial and even imposing. Therefore for centuries on, marriages have the blessings of God. But things have changed and are continuing to change fast.

In recent times either we have dumped God or our values or maybe both. People in the West were the first ones to be hit because they became rich first. The decades of the sixties and the seventies belonged to America. The Second World War was over a couple of decades ago and the ugly scars had healed. The world was good and safe. Money, affluence and material comforts were suddenly available in abundance.

‘A woman is like a tea bag, you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.’ -Eleanor Roosevelt

Women wanted to participate and thus started the race for gender equality. A very strong women’s movement dubbed as women’s lib started in the 1960s and 70s, which was a struggle for equality and sought to free women from male supremacy. Some called it radical feminism which was more militant in its approach. At the Miss America Pageant in September, 1968, hundreds of women activists tossed women’s feminine products into a trash can. Though they did not burn bras, it was popularly called a bra-burning event. The movement gathered momentum almost simultaneously in Europe and Australia.

It caught the fancy of the media and of course the world. It did give women equality and better prospects but it had a devastating effect on the family front. The number of divorces shot up to four times between 1970 and 1996. Gradually, better sense prevailed and the American divorce rate is nearly twice that of 1960 but has declined since the early eighties when it touched the highest point. In 1992, John Gray published his book ‘Men are from Mars and women are from Venus’. He demonstrated, through this seminal work that men and women are indeed born different- they are two different species. Such a simple and obvious fact required a 286- page book to reveal. It also proves another point that it is very difficult for humans to convince humans. I do not think this book was written in the wake of or in response to the women’s movement, but the timing could be a coincidence.

India hit its watershed year in 1991, which was thirty years after America and the rest of the western world had tasted the ‘blood of affluence’. Liberalization, Privatization and Globalization mantra, took Indians to cloud nine. It hit us like a sledge hammer. It took ten years to sink in and India was rocking.

As an aftermath, simple Indian families started feeling the heat. From Hyderabad to Himachal Pradesh, or Mumbai to Meghalaya, it started taking its toll on our family life. The young generation got too much too soon and took every comfort for granted if not as a right. Divorces in Delhi alone shot up from 100 in 1980 to almost 10,000 cases per year in the first decade of the new millennium. Young couples probably got so engrossed in themselves individually, that they forgot the meaning of co-existence. It was, I, me, myself and everybody was as if on his or her own.

Our basic cultural foundation got shaken. The elders still believed in family values and remained firmly committed to the Institution of marriage but could do little to help their children hold on to their marriages. We are now in the middle of that turmoil. However modern we may become, our emotional needs will not change; in fact should not change. Yet the formal association of a man and woman as a married couple, is on a shaky wicket today.

To sum up this point- Men and women can be equal but can never be identical. They together make a home for themselves, clearly understanding that they are different but need each other to spend their lives meaningfully. It may not be pink throughout, but it does have numerous shades of pink.

‘Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.’ - Beverley Nichols

A woman can do anything to save or make her home. Shri Gurumurthy did say that and gave credit to Indian women to keep the family together. This is the spirit of being together and the strength of a woman which men can never have.

Woman is stronger than man in many ways. Physically, she may be frail, short and slim but she has tremendous capacity to bear pressure and pain. She can be a man’s most trusted, dependable ‘rough weather’ friend.


Church to court- A short Journey

Most couples are blessed to live a healthy and happy life. Unfortunately, in certain cases where the union doesn’t work out for long, relationships start breaking down. First it affects the husband, wife and their children and gradually it starts affecting their parents and their tertiary families as well.

When a couple tries to split, the atmosphere turns tense, threatening, and ugly and comes under scrutiny of both the families and the law.

From churches having candles, the holy cross, fonts, pulpits, lecterns and stained glass windows for the holy union. You now have courtrooms, witness boxes, bailiffs, the jury box, judge’s gravel, bar and benches for the split. Sermons, prayers, mandaps, hawans and church bells and prayers turn into arguments, counterarguments, allegations, false allegations, counter allegations, swearing, affidavits, witnesses and evidence.

Pundits are replaced by lawyers, solicitors, registers and bailiffs.

God is out and the Judge is in. Just because two people couldn’t get along with each other.

Crux of the problem

The homes get ruined, children are worst hit and keep a grudge against parent for the rest of the life perhaps ‘ You left us for your own fun, frolic and fancy but never thought of us’ Several studies in the West say that one of the major reason for violence and suicides is broken homes.

Parents of such middle aged couples who split are worst hit. They have no one whom they can go to if they need help. No wonder west is a very lonely society and we are fast catching up.

In a joint family in India to a large extent elders are respected and cared for. This is fast changing and old age homes are coming up at an alarmingly fast pace. As Shri Gurumurthy says ‘in a joint family even if one person is earning, the whole house runs on his income including parents and children’. This is the bottom line for economic survival.
We have gone crazy today double income (husband wife both clocking 16 hours in the office) for a family of just three falls short!

This is how a social fabric woven with civilizational culture helps a nation through any economic storm and that is why we need our civilizational ethos back on track amongst many others mentioned earlier.

How long will the party last? Many of those who have left their broken homes behind and moved forward with the cliché, ‘Let’s move on’, do not want to think about their past. They try to be happy and in fact, are very happy with their work, friends and colleagues.

‘Even the darkest hour has sixty minutes’, is a famous quote by Morris Mandel which makes us feel that ‘This too shall pass’. The reverse is also true, ‘the brightest hour also has just sixty minutes’. People, who unfortunately have to break their homes, have to cope with being alone or putting it another way, become lonely at some point in time. Friends are there at work or social gatherings, but at home you are alone.

You need company, you need companionship, and you can’t live on Bacardi and barbeque

Alone.

Getting back to your roots and culture

Today There is an ‘Atmachintan’ or self-reflection within the Indian society in India as well as abroad.

Cultures and traditions bind us as closely knit humans as families. That is why there is a thrust in India to revive our Indian-ness and connect with our roots. We should never forget our 5000 years old traditions, rituals and learnings.

A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love, the greater the loss... That's the trade-off. But I'll take it all. Brad Pitt